woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
