Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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