my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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