bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
