I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
