I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
where does the pee come out of this thing
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
