I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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