tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
