How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
