Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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