she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
