Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
