Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
