Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
