checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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