This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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