I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
