bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
