when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
