Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
