I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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