can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
