Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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