My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just want to make out with him forever
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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