She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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