there's paper in my vomit.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
