Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
