dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
People in love make me want to vomit
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
