Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The power of my boobs compel you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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