I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
