I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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