my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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