my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
