Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
