Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
