Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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