"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
