You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
