i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
