omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
