You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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