I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
