I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
