You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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