Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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