Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you traded sex for a burrito?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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