(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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