tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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