Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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