I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
